All of us are called as Christians to align our lives with God’s will for us. God’s will for our lives is always our ultimate good. He is our Father and He wants what is best for His children. It’s when we stray from God’s will that we get into trouble of all kinds. We might pursue a job that isn’t good for us, chase a dream that God never intended for us or stay in a relationship that isn’t healthy. Or sometimes it’s even the opposite. We might break off a relationship that was good for us, quit a job that God wanted for us, or ignore a dream that God has for us and is staring us in the face with doors wide open and the angels screaming at us “GO THIS WAY!!!”

As a devout Catholic Christian, I have often struggled to understand at times what is God’s will and what isn’t. I have lamented over the confusion and sometimes found it difficult to make decisions out of fear of making the wrong one. This often led to despair, anxiety, and if put off for long enough, shame for not moving forward in my life. It is only in recent years (maybe the past two) that I have really come to understand how to make decisions, move forward in my life and discern God’s will for me. I would like to share with you what I have learned. I hope it is helpful to you.

Why is it so hard for us humans to discern what God’s will for our lives is? Short answer? Sin, selfishness, and earthly attachment. Often times God has amazing things planned for us but we don’t see it because we are too attached to our own ideas of what our lives should look like. We think we know what will make us happy and we pursue it with every ounce of our energy. Often times this can feel like a hamster running circles in the hamster wheel, constantly revving our engines but never getting anywhere. An old friend of mine used to call this “rolling the boulder uphill.” Another common phrase for it is “forcing it.” So many times in my life I have had my own ideas about what I’m going to do, what will make me happy and despite my earnest and persistent efforts to make those dreams come true, they never did. With each failed attempt at moving forward I would feel more disappointment, more frustration, and more anger. I would feel bad for a while and then muster up the energy to try again.

Some people never get out of this cycle. They never get to see what God’s will for their lives is. They are too attached to their’s. This happened to my dad. He had an image of what his life was going to look like and he made a lot of decisions based on this. He wanted to be a super successful millionaire lawyer. He studied his ass off in college and got a full ride to Harvard Law School. He practiced law for 30 years, working for startup companies and doing IPOs. He would often work for stock in the company instead of a regular payment. His dream was that one day a company he had stock in would hit it big and he’d be rich. He worked and worked and worked to the point where his desire to reach his utopian goal was more important than his own health and happiness. He felt defeated and depressed for many years that he wasn’t able to fulfill his dream, and was generally unhappy for as long as I knew him. He would drink alcohol, overeat, go to concerts, watch movies and read books to escape the reality of his failure (at least that’s how he thought of it). Eventually this unhealthy lifestyle turned into cancer in his body. He passed away a couple of years ago. This was devastating for me and my family. Side note I wrote a song about him. Go to the music tab on my website to listen to it.

Now, were all of his intentions bad? No. Like all things there are grey areas. I know that a big portion of his desire for this success was to take care of his family and provide the best life he could to us. But knowing the man, I think most of his desire was to prove himself to the world and win the prestige of the world. Or, if I’m really being honest, win the respect and attention he never got from his father. He was living his life for himself. He was living to fill a void inside himself that no amount of success could fill. He was “rolling the boulder uphill.” He was “forcing it.” And it killed him, at 61.

I have the strongest suspicion that God gave him many opportunities to change course, to go a different way, to seize a different kind of opportunity, but because he was so focused on fulfilling his dream he completely missed it. What is that old church saying? First God taps you on the shoulder. Then he grabs you. Then he yells in your ear. Then he slaps your cheek. Then he punches you in the face. Then he hits you over the head with a 2x4. And if after all of those warning signs that you’re not going the right way you still don’t turn around, God takes you home. This is the story of my father.

So the first step in discerning God’s will is to stop rolling the boulder uphill. If you are tired, heavy laden, worn out, burdened with your labor, “forcing it,” then let go of that boulder. This means choosing to let go of your own ideas for your life, no matter how attached to them you are. This can be difficult. And it can take time. It took me 5 years to let go of my desire to be a rock star. And even now I still get temptations to go back. But I’m too afraid of turning into a pillar of salt. (Hopefully you get that reference).

If you’re not sure whether you are rolling the boulder uphill or not, here's a good couple of questions to ask yourself to get started. “Am I using my gifts and talents to glorify God or myself? Am I living in service to others or am I trying to fill a void inside myself?”

So STEP 1: Let go of your plan for your life and be open to God’s plan. This is the hardest step.

Step 2: Prayer.

I think prayer is crucially important when discerning God’s will in our lives. I have often heard God tell me specific things in prayer about where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. There have been multiple times where God has said something very specific to me, and repeated it over and over and over and over until I finally had the courage to do what He was asking. God is patient and gracious with us in those moments, and for that I am grateful. I am also grateful that God chooses to speak to me in this way at times. Here’s an example. For about 2 years I heard God telling me in prayer that He wanted me to quit my job. He said over and over to me “quit your job, I have something better for you.” But I was too afraid to do it. Out of that fear I chose to stay at my job and as a result nothing changed in my life. It’s not that my job was bad, but when I look back at it compared to where I am now, I can see that God was totally right. There was something better. I often asked God to present the new opportunity to me so that I could have the new job lined up and it would be easier to quit. He actually answered that prayer, but He said “No. You have to trust me.” This whole experience was very much an Abrahamic “Go to the land that I will show you” type of thing. After two years I finally had the courage to do it. Even though I was scared I put my trust in the Lord. I lined up another job, even though I wasn't sure that was the one God was leading me to, and quit. 2 weeks later, a job at my parish St. Edward the Confessor in Dana Point opened up and it was exactly where I needed to be. I am so much happier being at this parish and using my talents for the Lord. Praise be to God!

Maybe you’re thinking to yourself, “Gee, that’s great Johnny, but I pray all the time for God to speak to me about where He wants me to go and I don’t hear anything.” If that’s you then let me ease your worries a bit. God does not always speak directly to us in prayer about every decision we make. There have been many decisions I’ve made, even big life decisions, where God didn’t speak to me directly. But even if God doesn’t speak directly into our hearts about a certain decision, prayer is still important in the discernment process. Even if you never hear a word from God, seeking Him in prayer can align our intentions with His will without us realizing it. As the famous prayer from Thomas Merton goes, “I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.” When our desire is to please the Lord, it can be the underlying intention behind our decision-making process and guide us in those decisions subconsciously.

Step 3: What Is Good For Us?

Ultimately, God wants us to make decisions that are good for us. Like the good parent that God is, His ultimate goal for us is to become a person that can take care of themselves and make holy decisions without Him needing to hold our hand through the process. Will God always be there to hold our hand? Of course. But often I have lamented in confusion over what to do because I was waiting for God to tell me specifically in prayer what to do when really God just wanted me to make the best decision I could with the information I had and move forward. Here are some good things to consider when asking yourself if this is good for me.

“Does this bring me closer to God or farther away?

Will I be tempted in this situation?

Is this making my relationships stronger or weaker?

Is this healthy for me in terms of taking care of my body (sleeping, eating, recreation time)?

Is this situation healthy for me emotionally? Are these people making me anxious, depressed, negative or angry?

Is this situation good for me financially? Will I be able to take care of myself and my dependents?”

God wants us to make decisions that are good for us. Because when we are taken care of, we can serve others better.

I see a lot of christians, usually devout Catholics, intentionally staying in situations that are bad for them or unhealthy but “offering up” their suffering for the good of the kingdom. This is self-abuse, and it is NOT God’s will. Please, don’t inflict more suffering upon yourself. Suffering will come, don’t you worry. And when you are choosing what is good for you, at times, when you feel truly called to it, you can choose to make a sacrifice for others. This may include suffering. And this is a good thing. But constantly living from a mindset that you must choose the path that brings you the ultimate suffering is NOT healthy and it is NOT God’s will. Period. Jesus offered himself from a place of peace, knowing who He was, and knowing what good his sacrifice was bringing to the world. There’s a difference between this kind of redemptive suffering, and just suffering because of making bad choices and staying involved in other’s dysfunction or even our own.

Step 4: Read the Circumstances.

I don’t have a whole lot to say on this one because it kind of goes with the previous step, but I’ll put it here because it is a little bit different. Sometimes God speaks to us through circumstances that are beyond our control. For example, earlier when I talked about that job opening up 2 weeks after I quit my other job. That was something that happened beyond my control, but because I was open and praying, and trying to see where God was leading me, this was a huge sign to me that this is where I should be. Other things like this can be huge signs as well. A job opening up is a common one. But there are others. So and so moved to town and is looking for a roommate. This one also applies to relationships. Often we can roll the boulder uphill in that department too, but in God’s timing, the right person will present themself and it will be beyond your control. These things also happen in the negative. I like to call this God stirring the pot. You get fired or let go from a certain position. That’s God saying “It’s time to move on!” You can no longer afford a certain apartment. God’s saying “Time to move!” Someone breaks up with you. That’s God saying, “Nope!”

Here’s an example from my life. It’s in the relationship department. I have been searching for a wife for a little while now, and not had much success. I am looking for a good Catholic woman with a similar sense of humor that I find physically attractive, you know.. what everyone is looking for. I went on a few dates with this one girl (she may even be reading this so I won't mention any names), and for the first time it was someone who met all of my requirements. I was super excited. On our third date she tells me she’s moving in a week. Great. That was God saying, “Not this one.”

Here’s another example. A couple of years ago I was trying to figure out what to do with my life and I had come to the conclusion that I wanted to make another album after In My Shadow. I had met someone during In My Shadow that I really wanted to work with on this new one. I called him up and we chatted about it and he agreed to do the record. We met 2 different times for a few hours each to listen to all of my material. He made some suggestions and even helped me finish a song that wasn't quite done yet. We scheduled a third meeting, and then one day I get a phone call from him saying he’s so sorry, but he's moving across the country next month. They were planning on doing it for a while but a house opened up on the market that was perfect for his family or something and they pulled the trigger. That was God saying, “Nope. Not this right now.” That may have been one the hardest slammed doors in my face from God. But it's okay. He knows what is best for me.

Step 5: Look Back and Think Big.

God has a plan for your life. He knows what He created you to do, and who He created you to be. Sometimes zooming out a little bit can help us see the whole picture more clearly. Looking back, what has God taught you? What have the jobs that you’ve had shown you? What knowledge and experience have you gained from this thing or that thing? And what do you think God will do with that? God doesn’t waste anything. He can use all things, even our mistakes to guide us to His plan for our lives. What is the end goal of your life? What is the big, long-term dream that God has for your life? Think about it. Pray with it. Ask God to enlighten you about it. Big picture things, when viewed from God’s perspective, can be huge discernment tools. Even the situations that were terrible, painful, or seemingly wastes of time are used by God to teach us something that we will need in the future. Make a list of these things. When you write them all down and look at them they might just SCREAM in your face what God wants you to do.

Step 6: Move Forward and Don’t Worry.

God knows that we are not perfect and will make mistakes in our decisions. He accounts for these things. He knows that we will go the wrong way at times. He’s okay with it. He actually uses these experiences to shape us. So really there is no need to worry about anything. Even if we make the wrong decision, God is merciful enough to us to show us that we made a mistake and give us the grace to correct our course (so long as we listen to the tap on our shoulder). I’m excited to share with you this metaphor I came up with a while ago that has helped me so much in discernment and really just in life. It’s called Blind Man in the Slanted Hallway.

Imagine that you are standing in the middle of a hallway facing down one direction of it. Behind you is a wall so you can’t go backwards. Where you are standing the space between the walls is very large. But as you walk down the hallway the walls narrow in ever so slightly, smaller and smaller until you reach the end of the hallway. At the end of the hallway is an opening just big enough for a person to walk through. Now you are in that hallway and you have to go through the opening, but there’s one problem. You are blind. You’ll never go through the opening unless you go somewhere, so you have to start walking somewhere. Maybe you went a little too far to the left, so eventually you will hit a wall. When you hit the wall, you will have to change your direction and go the other way. Eventually you will hit the other wall. So on and so forth until eventually you find yourself at the opening and you walk through.

The hallway is life. The opening at the end is God’s will for your life. The wall behind you is time — you can’t go back. Prayer helps you remain facing the same general direction. You obviously can’t see anything, just like in life we can’t see into the future. We don’t know exactly where that opening is. We don’t know what God’s ultimate plan is. But in the present moment, if we sit around and wait for God to tell us exactly what that opening looks like we will never make it there. We have to choose something and go with it. Even though it won't be the perfect thing, we will still be moving closer to the opening. Now, when we hit the wall, that’s when that decision has run it’s course. That’s when you get let go from your job, or that person breaks up with you, or you have to move. Or maybe you have a health problem and you need to change your lifestyle. So you turn, change course and pick a new place to go. Chances are you won’t be headed straight for the opening this time either, but your movement forward will help you get closer. Eventually you will hit that wall again. This is how life works.

God is gracious and merciful to us to make those walls to keep us on track. Those walls are God’s way of accounting for our mistakes. When we choose something and are headed straight for a wall, God is actually happy, because we chose something and are moving closer to that opening. He’s not looking down on us because we didn’t get right through the opening on the first try. So we really have nothing to worry about. Forcing it is when we keep bashing our head against that wall and refuse to change course. If we do that for too long, we will eventually become really depressed, angry, disappointed and anxious. We may even lose faith. We may bash our head into that wall until God takes us home.

I know this was a long blog, so if you made it this far, CONGRATULATIONS! I want to leave you all with one of my favorite prayers by Thomas Merton.

My Lord God,

I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

nor do I really know myself,

and the fact that I think I am following your will

does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you

does in fact please you.

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,

though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though

I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me,

and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Blind Man In The Slanted Hallway - A Metaphor for God's Will